“Yeah, that’s right… Well, don’t push yourself too hard.”
He
keeps nodding, and ends the phone conversation with these words.
It
was my father, calling his brother-in-law aged almost 80, who has been caring
for his partner all by himself since she fell ill a few years ago.
Though
neither of these men is a care expert, they both know she would just get worse,
with little hope of improvement. So there is no way they would come up with any
solutions no matter how long they talk…
Every
time my father calls the brother-in-law, he would keep listening, nodding, and
giving caring words but not too much.
They
don’t seek any solutions. They just repeat the same thing again and again. These
two men must have despised that kind of chatting back in the day, but they are
now doing just that, which often makes me think as I listen to their
conversations.
It
is indeed rare for older men, who used to be proud corporate warriors, to keep
chatting with no prospect of finding any conclusions.
Perhaps,
this kind of chatting works only when they have mutual respect as former
leaders in society; it wouldn’t work at local community centers or with
listening volunteers in the community.
These
older men tend to have hard time sending SOS messages, often trying to do all
the family care work by themselves. For them, it is vital to have someone to
chat with.
But
not every man has relationships like my father and his brother-in-law. I don’t
mean to stick my nose in other people’s business, but what would happen to the
ones who have nobody?
Besides,
these conversations are precious also for my father: He has been struggling to
accept his everyday life with his own partner, who happens to have dementia.
In
the past, my father would keep distance, out of courtesy, from his friends when
they had problems. But now that he has become the one facing challenges, he can
finally understand what it means to listen to people no matter how pointless they
may sound…
That’s
why my father calls his brother-in-law and, sometimes, spends two hours each
way to visit him, with a bit expensive lunch box as a gift.
After
chatting with the brother-in-law, my father looks calmer and more composed. As
his daughter, watching him like that makes me happy.
He
looks that way maybe because he can be a man people can rely on, not a husband feeling
confused about changes in his partner with dementia.
Being
thanked and relied on may also be giving him time to regain himself, maybe…
That’s
the kind of thing I feel and think every day as I listen to these men.
Older men’s chatting, it can go much deeper than you may think ^_^
Associate Professor,
Dept. of Health Management,
Tokai University
zt1864@tokai.ac.jp
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