My mother, whose dementia is progressing, calls my father on his cell phone over and over although he is in the next room.
She also gets mad at him, insisting that
their friend is still alive although that person has actually passed away a few
years ago.
Several times in this blog, I have shared my father’s conflict as he spends time with her almost every day.
Today, let me share with you a small but
significant step forward he has taken.
Empathy and acceptance are critical, but it’s easier said than done, particularly when you are dealing with your family who is too close to you, physically and emotionally.
The damage these family members get are gradual but definite, just like getting hit with a series of small jabs instead of a huge punch.Having taken these jabs repeatedly, my father started getting angry and tired more easily. His words were getting more and more negative.
His change also made my mother unstable; even his grandchild (in elementary school), who lives with him, became irritated as well….
I was like, “We got to do something about this!” After some thinking, I started a project to create days for my father to be someone other than a caring husband.
In other words, the project was to create time for him to be with someone or something he had connections with, other than his family, allowing him to objectively look at the situation.
But it wasn’t that easy to do because he didn’t have friends in the neighborhood; nor did he have time or motivation to go out and meet new people.
Above all, since he had firmly believed that he should always stay close to my mother, it seemed unlikely that he would just go out next day for his own fun…
Since the day I came up with the project, I started whispering and casually encouraging him to take a break.
When he said something he shouldn’t have,
when he looked depressed as he got more than 50 phone calls from his wife in
just a half day, I would whisper to him, “If you keep going like that, you’ll
be the one who will break down.”
Then, his behavior started changing…maybe
because of my whispering, or because of his own acceptance of the situation.
He now makes time at least once a week to
go out with his old friends. He also attended an online reunion, which he used
to say was too much trouble, and kept talking even after the scheduled end
time.
In the conversation I overheard during the online reunion, he sounded a bit more energetic than usual.
At the request of his friends, he was
talking about his specialty with a happy face, which also made his family
happy. . .
There sure are certain things that can be done only at home or only by family members. But there must also be something he can get only from somewhere other than home and someone other than his family.
That something is probably peace of mind,
allowing him to objectively reexamine the productivity he has lost at home.
Time to look at yourself from the outside is essential, especially when you feel constrained at home and when you feel burdened by your family role.
Some people feel guilty about leaving family members who need care and enjoying themselves. But my father has taught me that they also need some time to get their productivity back, and it is for the benefit of their families.
Shino Sawaoka
Associate Professor,
Dept. of Health Management,
Tokai University
jzt1864@tokai.ac.jp
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