Since the summer break started, I’ve been spending more time than usual with my parents, both in their 80s.
Every day, this longer time together makes
me realize what I failed to notice, or to understand how serious things were
getting, when I was too busy with work and everything else.
Though I keep sighing over this reality, as
a researcher, I can also discover new things by keeping track of the new daily
routine.
One of the discoveries is the signs my
mother starts showing when she becomes agitated.
To be more specific, she would start doing
two things. One of them is calling her husband (my father) over and over, as
many as 100 times on a bad day, although he is at home. This can be a sign of
her insecurity and anxiety.
His cell phone is filled with voicemails
from his wife saying, “Please come pick me up” at her old home.
What I’ve noticed is that she would often
leave this message on two occasions:
when she needs to go to memory clinic; and after her husband, the most
precious family member, goes out or has a Zoom meeting, seemingly enjoying the
world unfamiliar to her.
Mom, you must be upset, facing the vague
and uncertain reality. You’ve always thought you could count on Dad, but now he’s
somewhere else, in the world you have no idea about.
The other thing she does is reorganizing what’s
in the kitchen cabinet and the fridge, for hours and repeatedly.
The dishes get moved around all the time,
and one time I found a whole bag of onions I had just bought in the freezer. To
be honest, it has been quite irritating, but…
Having observed her for a while during the break,
I found the trigger to this behavior: She tends to reorganize things when we,
family members, take roles away from her, thinking ahead that she will forget
something, lose something, or make something too much.
“Mom, you can’t do it, so sit down!”
Pushing her to the corner like that is the worst thing to do, and I know that
very well. But the more time we spend together, the harder it gets…
Surprisingly, however, she would go back to
her old self when she prepares artworks for her winter solo exhibition or when
she shows concerns about a neighbor who has dementia.
Well, to be more precise, she keeps calling
the art frame shop over and over after ordering items, and she forgets that the
neighbor has already passed away. But still…
Feeling “I have a role to play” is
important, more so when you feel weak than when you’re full of energy.
We, Mom’s family members, know that but
cannot afford to be understanding or kind. Because of stress, to be honest, we
feel like we’re the ones who need help.
That’s why it is important to be connected
with someone outside the family, like neighbors and friends.
Speaking to myself like that, the term “social
prescribing” came to my mind. It is the concept of prescribing something
social, instead of medical treatment or medicine, to people facing mental or
physical challenges.
Taking Mother for example, she goes to the
hospital to periodically check the progression of dementia and takes medicine
to improve her behavioral and psychological symptoms.
But what is more important for her and us,
her family, would be finding and creating connections and opportunities where
she can be productive…This summer break has reminded me of productivity once
again.
Shino Sawaoka
Associate Professor,
Dept. of Health Management,
Tokai University
jzt1864@tokai.ac.jp
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